He Will Carry Me

I lay myself at the foot of my Jesus this morning. I pray that he will love my babies through me today. As a mamma I am learning that I am so woefully inadequate and broken and yet He believes in me because He knows that I love Him and if I just keep loving Him, He will love through me. Thank you Lord for never letting me go, you never have and I am so grateful. Carry me today, carry me today.

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

by Mark Schultz

My Brave One and the Summer Place

I walked through the parking lot at Donner Lake, my feet crunching on the gravel beneath them, a sleeping baby Ben slung over my shoulder. It was Tuesday morning and the parking lot was all but deserted with the absence of the weekend beach goers. I took in a deep breath and let the nostalgia of this familiar place wash over me just as the breeze coming off the lake washed over my face. Every summer of my childhood was spent at this lake, running through the rough sand of this beach, playing in it's cold water, hiking through these mountains, and riding my bike through the same streets my feet had just walked. This was Noah's third time to "The Lake", his first when he was only 8 months old and this was his second day without his daddy, who had to return home to go to work. Knowing this, Noah's grandpa had made sure to take Noah on what had become their own little morning ritual, walking down to the beach together to play at the play structure and enjoy the quiet of the lake. I soon followed with Ben, missing Jason and knowing Noah was as well, I wanted to see him laughing and playing with his grandpa. I approached the section of the beach that my family had, years before even I was born, unofficially designated as it's own. As I walked I scanned the beach looking for my Dad and the little tow-head that would be running around him. To my surprise, I spotted them both sitting in the tube tied to the back of my cousins ski-boat. I hurriedly rushed to the shoreline, calling out, "Wait, wait!" They all turned, and I saw Noah sitting securely on his grandpa's lap in his little life jacket on one side of the tube, his cousin in the other, patiently waiting for the boat to get underway. "You're taking him out?" The question came not for my worry for his safety, I knew he was in good hands with my father and with my cousin behind the wheel, I just didn't want to miss his first time being towed by a boat. "Yeah, come on!", my cousin yelled. At that moment, I looked down and saw my infant son sleeping in my sling. "I can't," I said, gesturing to my sling, and I let them go. As the boat pulled away it seemed to suck the contents out of my guts creating that sinking feeling. What did his face look like right now, I thought. I am missing it, I am missing it, and even his daddy isn't hear to see it. My brave one, who clung to me throughout his first swimming lessons just a few short weeks earlier, was now being pulled behind a ski-boat. I was so proud of him and yet so sad I was not out there cheering him on. As I strained to watched every second of their journey around the lake from the shoreline I reflected on how brave he truly had become in the past week. A few days earlier he had confidently climbed into my fathers one-man canoe, nestled between his daddy's knees he took the liesurely 30 minute journey up the shallow river that drained into the lake. Where he had difficulty even getting into the warmth of the swimming pool for swimming lessons, he now waded into the crisply cold waters to chase after the geese, or grab his sand toys. He even stripped down out of his dry shirt, shorts and pull-up, determined to join Grandpa and Uncle Conway in their "dock to rock" swim down the lake, before I cut him off, much to his displeasure and to the hilarity of onlookers nearby. Maybe there is something about these mountains and this lake in particular that brought out that sense of adventure in him, it always did for me. When Noah returned from his first trip around the lake I couldn't wait to hug him and express my pride in his bravery. Although I may have missed this particular adventure I was comforted to know that this place held many more future adventures for him and for his little brother. "The Lake" would hold it's own special kind of magic for them as it still holds for me and I will get to expereince it with them anew every summer.

You'll get no blogging time ....

Oompa Loompa doompadee doo
I've got another puzzle for you
Oompa Loompa doompadah dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me

What do you get from a kid who won't sleep?
A lack of quiet time and a growing laundry heep
Why doesn't he try simply closing his eyes?
Or could he just not bear to miss a surprise?

You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no
You'll get no blogging time

Oompa Loompa Doompadee Dah
If you are sleepy you will go far
Mama will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa doompadee do

And Ben laughs .....

One Crazy Day

4am, after placing the baby back down, set the alarm for 5am, don't want to sleep in.
5am the alarm goes off, hit it, oversleep till 5:30am, the Lord is calling have to get up.
Sitting on the couch drinking coffee, reading the bible, hear the garbage truck...please don't wake Noah up.
Noah's door opens, 5:45, he wants to see the big truck.
"I hate the garbage man." "He's up?" "Yep" Jason get's out of bed.
Dress for the gym, work out for about 45 minutes, hurry home to shower before Jason leaves for work and rush to feed the baby. Feeding baby, Noah wants more yogurt.
Finish getting dressed, call Heather, "You want to come over so the boys can play?"
Rush to clean as much as possible.
Knock at the door, "Jack's here!" an excited little voice rings through the house, joined by yet another one...so the pandemonium begins.
Boys rush outside while moms sit to feed babies.
Backdoor opens, "Outside boys, those are outside toys."
Backdoor opens, they have mud on their hands, "Stay outside, you have mud on your hands." Where did they find mud?
Backdoor opens, "Okay lets wash your hands."
Jack wants to use the Elmo potty, Noah wants to use the Elmo potty, they trade, neither go. "I choclate?" "No, you have to pee pee in the potty to get a chocolate."
Jack wants to use the potty, Noah wants to use the potty, they trade, neither go. Their pull-ups stay off. Maybe that will help them go on the potty.
Lunch approaches, begin making egg salad, and mac&cheese, in case they don't eat the egg salad.
Eggs and noodles boiling.
"Did you pee pee? Where?"
"Who, Noah?" "Yep."
Rush to master bedroom to clean carpet. Need more carpet cleaner. The noodles!
Take the eggs and noodles off the burner, go back to clean carpet.
"Let's put your pull-ups on for lunch time."
Eating lunch, "Stay in your seat and eat your lunch, no Jack isn't done yet." They eat little, finally let them run around.
The noise decibel is raising and the boys are growing manic, it is definitely nap time.
The baby is crying, he needs to be fed.
"Uh oh, uh oh", Jack says, my forgotten coffee is spilling over the table onto the carpet and the stacks of children's books underneath.
It is my fault for leaving it there, that's how I got the coffee stains in the same spot before we replaced the carpet.

"I'll get it," Heather says. "No I have some paper towels, it was completely my fault for leaving it there."
Oh ya, I am out of carpet cleaner. Thank goodness for dark carpet.
"Wow, this is a lot of coffee, I can't believe how little of it I drank. It seems to have covered every book."
Continuing to clean the carpet as best as possible I hear Heather picking up in the kitchen.
"Um, Amy, your garbage disposal is clogged."
"Don't worry, I will take are of it, I think there is a reset button."
"Ok, but it is full of food."

Everyone heads home for naptime, finally get the boys down.
Now, what first, garbage disposal or carpet. I forgot, I am out of carpet cleaner.
Trying to reset the garbage disposal.
Won't reset.
Dig out food, find a popsicle stick. Yep, that would do it.
Two projects for naptime, clean den and finish planting plants.
I can still hear Noah in his room playing, den first.
Sorting through stacks of papers, I hear his door open, "Get in bed."
10 minutes later the door opens again, "Get in bed."
10 minutes later the door opens again, "Get in bed, if you get up one more time you are getting a spanking."
Finish with the papers. I think he is finally asleep. Rush out to plant the plants.
Spend 20 minutes looking for plants shears, finally start planting, the phone rings.
My brother Kevin is on the other line. "Can you fax something over to me?"
"Do you need it right now"
"Yeah now, if possible"
Spend 20 minutes faxing, the fax machine is on the fritz.
Back to planting, one plant in, baby is crying. At least I got one.
Feed the baby, wake Noah at 4pm.
Play with the boys, make dinner, clean as much as I can.
J's home...ah a break
Eat dinner, put boys in bath, feed baby.
Both boys in bed, 8:30pm, drop on to couch.
Watch a little Olympics, trying to get caught up on Michael Phelps on Tivo, can never stay up late enough to catch the races when they air.
10pm collapse into bed.
Not sure if I can get up at 5am again, Lord you are going to have to help me do it.

I watch.

Noah began swimming lessons in a mommy and me class last week. By Friday, we were both exhausted and I was left feeling defeated; maybe Noah would be the one and only person in my family to not like the water. Noah's response to all my prompting to participate in class was usually a resounding, "No!" and "I Done!" The toys and songs, deftly utilized by the instructor, worked for short periods of time, but progress seemed lacking and the 30 minute class seemed to last a lifetime. The most amusing aspect of the week came in Noah's response to me as we prepared to get in the water on Wednesday, "I watch. I watch Mommy" he said. "No Honey, you can't just watch, you have to try," I said. Later that day I understood something a little deeper. Noah was like me. He may look like a blond version of his father, but he had my personality. Every time I go to try something new, I always get butterflies in my stomach. I have never had that carefree sense of abandon to throw myself into some thrilling new activity. There is that little voice in my head that always causes me to stop a little short, "I watch" it says. But of all the traits of mine that Noah could have this is definitely not my pick. I have realized that every time I allow that voice to cause me to take a seat, I miss an opportunity to "experience" instead of just "watch". I want my son to "experience". Fear can be healthy when it rightly keeps us from danger, but too much fear can keep us from life! So each time Noah is ready to "sit this one out", I will keep saying, "You can't just watch , you have to try." Today was the beginning of our second week of lessons and today he did a little bit more. This is all I can ask, because tomorrow he will try a little bit more still. I love you my boy.

And one more makes four ...

.....I am finally taking the time to finish this blog on Ben's birth, which I started over 4 weeks ago......at least I have the excuse of a newborn in the house.....happy reading!

On Friday May 16th, we welcomed the newest addition to our family, little Benjamin Elliott. He thankfully arrived one week early, as I was beginning to get pretty uncomfortable and was anxious to get my body back although Jason had been working like crazy to get all his work done.

My water broke on Friday morning about 5am, but no contractions accompanied it. I called the doctor hoping that I would not have to rush into the hospital. Seems like I was in the hospital forever with Noah's birth and I wanted to stay home for as long possible this time. To my disappointment I got word that I would have to head on in. Sure, I would go the hospital but I would definitely take my own sweet time doing it. After all, we needed to arrange to have Noah taken care of, take a shower, finish packing, feed Noah breakfast and get him dressed (I wanted to make sure I got to see him before we left)and then there were dishes to do and sheets to wash. Despite all these activities, my contraction still didn't start. I kept praying that they would because I was afraid that the doctor would have the nurses give me petocin to get them started ... way too painful. Yet another reason why I was delaying heading to the hospital.

Finally by 8am, just as my parents were arriving from Sacramento, I decided I didn't want to risk insubordination so Jason and I headed to the hospital ... still no contractions. But not without one more stop ... Staples for a new pair of head phones for my IPOD and a memory card for the camera .... believe me that IPOD would come in handy. We got to the hospital where I was promptly given the traditional balloon shaped gown, which when put on, especially with a pregnant belly, looks like it could be hiding a host of circus clowns. The nurse told me to leave it open in the back, as soon as she left I told Jason to tie it up. I figured the actual birthing process was invasive and revealing enough without me having to bare by bottom to the world for the next several hours. There was also something about this particular nurse that made me want to be defiant; she had just checked my progress and teld me that I was dilated to 2 cm and that my water had indeed broken ... wow, thanks for clearing that up, not that the ounces and ounces of water that had been coming out since 5am wasn't an indication. But God is good, even when I am being a little defiant because he gave me a new nurse who proved to be an angel through the whole process.

So there I was sitting on the bed in my great big gown and STILL no contractions, "Lord", I prayed, "please let these contractions start, I really, really don't want to be induced." Not more than thirty seconds later I felt that long repressed familiarity of the infamous labor contraction. "Thanks Lord." We were on our way.

Contractions started out pretty slowly. I was hoping that I would be able to walk around with this labor and my nurse was great in arranging for this. She only required that I sit on the bed to be monitored after each hour for twenty minutes. Thankfully I did not have to sit long because my contractions seemed to slow each time I did. So I broke out my IPOD and started dancing around the room a bit ... yes dancing, which definitely helped. I had spent several weeks compiling my playlist for labor. I had all of this beautiful piano music and praise music, meant to calmly and peacefully carry me through labor. I listened to it for about 30 minutes and realized I was going to need a little more ... umph .... shall we say. On came Maroon 5, not anywhere near praise music, but it got the adrenaline flowing and kept the contractions consistent as I bounced around the hospital room. At one point Jason began filming my lunacy and no, I won't be posting it, it is far too embarrassing. Dr. Wada came in to check on me and my sister told him that my contractions slowed when I stopped dancing, "Well keep her dancing then, " he said.

Needless to say, I got to the point where dancing was no longer an option for me, contractions got pretty difficult and it was all I could do to just sit on the bed and will myself through each one. Ironically, it was at this time that Jason and my sister Jen decided to entertain themselves with an impromptu comedic performance, each playing off each other and then erupting into giggles at their own cleverness, (all the while Jenny bounced on my birthing ball, which she tried to talk me into using, and Jason slid around the room on the doctors chair.) It was all I could do not to knock each of them off their little seats. It wasn't that I was frustrated at them necessarily, it was more that I was frustrated that I could not join in their merriment because at any moment I could be plunged back into pain. So essentially, I was jealous.

Moving on...the nurse check me again and I was at 6 to 7 cm, at that point it sounded like just too little progress and I was quickly losing my desire to do this without pharmaceutical assistance. Don't get me wrong, I had no desire to be a martyr to the alter of motherhood, I just wanted the labor to go as quickly as possible. When I had Noah I had an epidural and it completely stopped my labor, requiring the petocin and drawing the labor out to where I was completely drained. I did not want to go through that again. I figured I could handle the pain if it went more quickly. In any case, I thought I would give myself one more chance, but as the newest contraction came on I told Jason to get the nurse, "I think I will take that epidural now." My nurse came in and said, "You would like the epidural now? Well I will get the anathesiologist, but do you think you may want to try the whirlpool bath? You are almost there, " she says. "NO!!" my mind screams. She goes on to tell me that she can get me through it if I chose, as she has 30 years of experience so I give in and decide to give the bath a try with the reassurance that if I was still unable to handle it after the bath, that I could have the epidural. The nurse was right on, because that bath felt wonderful. It felt so good in fact that I naively said that I thought the contractions had stopped. "Oh no she said, you just don't notice the small ones as much, but you will notice the big ones." No sooner did she say "big ones" I was gripping the edge of the tub as if I was drowning in the ocean. I definitely "noticed" the "big ones". Fifteen minutes later they were helping out of the tub because I was feeling like I needed to push.

I made it to the bed before another one hit, both Jenny and Jason offered me their hands, comedic routine forgotten, and I made up for any frustration I had at them earlier by gripping their hands as hard as I could with each contraction. Within 20 minutes the baby was ready to come out. This is the scene in the movie when the doctor comes into the room, just at the right time and sagely guides you through the final stages of delivery....except....where's the doctor? The doctor is not there yet, he is stuck in traffic. This is something they do not teach you in your prenatal classes...the doctor will always be stuck in traffic, stuck at a light, STUCK somewhere ... and the nurses, after all that effort and time of telling you to PUSH, will have the audacity to tell you to STOP PUSHING!! You want me to what?!? That baby is ready to come out, I am exhausted, I see the light at the end of the tunnel and you want me to stop!?! I do the best I can, constantly thinking,"Where is he, where is he?" and I figure if that baby is coming out, someone better catch him.

The doctor rushes into the room, finally gives me the go ahead and I actually get to see Ben arrive. After, I feel exhilarated, we made it, it was over. Ben was perfect when he arrived, no problems whatsoever. When Noah had arrived he wasn't breathing completely because he took so much time coming out, so we were blessed.

Needless to say the adventure is just beginning, we have a whole new person in our home and life is never gong to be the same...it will be a good kind of crazy. And, yes, there is such a thing...at least I hope so.